Pinkberry, you kinda suck.February 26, 2011
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but frozen yogurt shops are kind of a big deal. I see one every time I turn around. Like Pinkberry. Are you familiar? Because apparently they’re in 14 states and 6 countries outside the U.S. And they have a catchy little song with lyrics like these:
“It doesn’t feel like I’m cheating when I’m eating it”
That’s funny, what would I be cheating on? Oh, that’s right, I’m supposed to be on a diet aren’t I? Obviously I have a weight problem or at least a body image issue. Because…I’m a woman. And I imagine the name “Pinkberry” is targeted at me. So it’s nice to imply guilt right off the bat, because women should feel guilty about how much they weigh and what they look like. Right. Thanks, Pinkberry! I almost forgot!
“Cuz it’s healthy; I’m feeling better already”
Really? Is it healthy? What does healthy mean exactly? Let’s see…the first two ingredients as listed on the Pinkberry website are:
Nonfat milk – Did you know your body needs fat to absorb calcium? Nonfat milk leaves you high and dry, nutrient wise. And since it’s nonfat, you know the next ingredient will hit you like a ton of bricks because fat would actually help slow the absorption of sugar into your bloodstream. Oh well.
Sugar – Oh, yes. Good. Refined sugar. As the second ingredient you know that Pinkberry will weaken your body, deplete your mineral supply, mess with your blood sugar levels and moods, and leave you feeling hungry again soon after you’ve finished.
There’s really not much else to it, after that. Just cultured pasteurized nonfat milk with live and active cultures, contains less than 2%: cultured nonfat milk powder, fructose, dextrose, natural flavors, citric acid, guar gum, maltodextrin, mono-and diglycerides, and starch. Ahh, just like grandma used to make.
“Like a burst of sunshine”
I like the word “burst” here because that’s exactly it. Sugar will give you a burst of feeling good, followed by feeling not-so-good. You know, this lyric is right on the money!
“Good for my body”
I’m going to have to disagree here, unless I’m missing something. I mean, pumpkin is quite a superfood but even the pumpkin Pinkberry is made from pumpkin flavor (water, sugar, pumpkin, natural flavors, annatto extract for color, guar gum, caramel color). Eh.
“Good for my mouth”
Certainly not your teeth. Or maybe it just makes your mouth smile to engage in this marketing bullcrap?
“Good for my mind”
Sugar is a mind-altering drug. That green tea Pinkberry also conveniently contains caffeine. Both sugar and caffeine contribute to ADD, energy levels, road rage, and mood swings. I’d have to go with “Not good for my mind.”
All that being said, I occasionally enjoy a good fro yo. Sure. I’m not perfect. But I’m not fooling myself into thinking I’m doing something “Good for my body, good for my mind.” Get outta here. I’m doing something fun and enjoyable in the moment and am willing to accept that it’s not healthy whatsoever!
BUT. Here’s where it gets good.
I do have an option for you. Something delicious, something real and whole and actually pretty darn good for your body and mind! Do you have a food processor? Then you are in business! (Maybe not in 6 international countries, but at least in your kitchen.) Here are two recipes – basically variations of the same thing:
Creamy Mango Parfait
As shown above
12 oz. frozen mango (only ingredient should be mango)
3/4 cup whole fat coconut milk (the thick stuff that comes in a can)
Fruit-juice sweetened raspberry jam
In food processor, combine mango and heavy cream. You may need to throw in a few splashes of water to get things mixing – but don’t overdo it on the liquid. When nice and creamy, serve layered with almonds and a plop of jam on top.
Strawberry Coconut Deliciousness
12 oz. frozen organic strawberries
1 tsp. pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup whole fat coconut milk (the thick stuff that comes in a can)
1 tsp. raw honey (optional)
Dried unsweetened coconut flakes
In food processor, combine strawberries, vanilla, honey and coconut milk. Again, you’ll probably need to throw in a few splashes of water to get things mixing – but don’t overdo it. When nice and creamy, serve with dried coconut flakes.
Note: If you use frozen mango or frozen banana, the natural sugar content is high enough that you don’t need honey. Frozen strawberries are simply not very sweet on their own.
Take THAT, fro yo big business!