Feelings of inadequacy run rampant among mothers. I can’t blame Time for creating a compelling headline around this universal truth:
“Are You Mom Enough?”
The most interesting part of this media bruhaha has been the comments I’ve read all over the web. Some are funny, some are ignorant, some are defensive. For my part, I’d like to use this opportunity to shed light on the realities of breastfeeding a toddler. As a first-time mom, I’d like to think I’m still “green” enough to talk about this topic through fresh eyes.
My husband and I used to have a lot of ideas about children and what our future would be like. I think it’s safe to say we had no idea what we were talking about.
Then: Kids don’t need a lot of stuff. They’ll get 1 toy each to avoid clutter.
Now: We should really get Danny one of those play kitchens, he’d love it. But is there room next to the exersaucer, rocking horse, music table and toy boxes?
Then: We don’t need a car. Ok, maybe a Prius.
Now: We need a van.
Then: People put the most boring videos on Facebook of their kid doing nothing.
Now: I just put a video on Facebook of Danny smiling, it’s soooo cute!
My whole life, I ate rice pudding that required a knife to cut and was served on a plate. Never really thought to ask my mom why it was called “pudding.” Anyway, the answer would have been that this is how my great grandmother made it. So there.
My great grandmother didn’t speak English, and she didn’t have anything written down when it came to recipes. My mom often told me the story of how she’d watch her bake and step in to measure the handfuls of ingredients, pinches of spices. My mom wrote it all down. Now here I am, sharing it digitally.
Heather Kistilentz had long brown hair, a round face and freckles. I have no idea how to spell her last name, but nevermind. She was my best friend in 3rd grade. I’m not sure what that meant…we must have played together on the weekends? Hung out during recess? I remember listening to George Michael and Salt-n-Pepa together. It made me feel awesome to have a best friend. My very own!
Then Heather’s family moved away.
I wonder if today’s 3rd graders use email to stay in touch? Is there an elementary school Facebook? I hope not. It was sort of a lesson that needed to be learned early on, about the way people come and go in life and how to move on and meet new friends.
Extraordinary things happen in life that we take for granted. I remember staring for hours at my engagement ring, watching it flicker prisms across the room. Now I often forget it’s there. It’s still the most beautiful ring I’ve ever seen.
Max proposed to me in front of my whole family at Thanksgiving dinner. The bottle of Dom he bought to celebrate was empty, sealed and packaged but empty, making for an even more memorable engagement story. (Yes, the store refunded his money.) I didn’t care a bit. I couldn’t sleep that night, I was so filled with excitement. Someone LOVES me this much?? I’m going to be a BRIDE? I kept touching my ring, worried it would fall off.
So you’ve lost 12 pounds. You got a raise. You successfully balanced your budget. Or maybe you let yourself nap on the couch for once and you’re feeling much better now.
Celebrate!
Sounds corny. I know. But this question has been posed to me often in the past few years by wonderfully supportive friends and peers: “How will you celebrate your success?” The idea is that we tend to dwell on everything we’ve failed at, our disappointments. How can we put more emphasis on our happy times?
Say you had a big project at work that went really well, thanks to you. Now’s the time for a manicure, perhaps? A little treat to celebrate. It doesn’t have to be an actual ‘reward’ – it could just be a happy mindset, treating yourself to a pat on the back. But heck, if you did finish that big project, or maybe you did all the laundry AND the dishes AND returned those curtains to Target AND made a healthy homemade dinner…I say, go on, get the manicure.
Although I haven’t talked about it much publicly, home birth became an important choice for me during the last trimester of my pregnancy. Yeah, I know, I know – home birth??? Sounds so….pioneer woman!
That’s what I thought when I first heard about it. Plus, who wants neighbors hearing me bellow with labor pains? No thanks.
One meeting with the midwives was all we needed to feel the sense of comfort, patience and support that had been lacking at our previous hospital-based birth center. We were like, let’s do this!
After that, things fell easily into place.
A lot of the wishes I had for my birth were focused around bringing my baby into the world in the least traumatic, most healthful way possible. I would have to fight for this in a hospital. But the midwives’ values and ideas were totally aligned with my own.
On the radio the other day I heard a commentary about unwanted gifts. You know, all that stuff we give and get just because we feel like we have to. The woman on the program was adding up the cost of a gigantic vase she’d received. First, the cost of the vase itself. Second, the cost of storing it in her home (pro-rated based on the size of her house and monthly rent). Third, the more abstract but equally valid cost of her peace of mind – she said she looks at that thing and wishes she didn’t have it about 3 times per day.
The premise was that we waste a lot of money (and time and peace of mind) every year on the gifts we give and get.
A friend told me that her 3 year old niece makes lists of stuff she wants from the Toys R Us catalog. When presented with a gift wrapped in simple craft paper, the 3 year old declared, “I want a pretty one!” and refused to open it.
What does all of this say about our culture and the way we live our lives?
I know, I know. All the healthy tips in the world go right out the window when you get home and your son is screaming, “I WANT ICE CREAM!!” Before you know it, he’s eating ice cream, you’re eating ice cream, and wait a minute, you haven’t even figured out what to make for dinner.
I’ve heard from you moms over and over that you need ideas for how to feed your family well, how to take care of yourself with zero time, and what on earth to put in those lunchboxes.
It’s the most wonderful time of the year… Those holiday TV specials seem to think so anyway. Perfect snow falls, families are loving and strangers help each other with heavy bags. Have your holidays been simply joyous?
Or have there been some sour spots? 9 out of 10 of you just nodded. It’s ok.
Please, who hasn’t had to deal with some kind of drama around the holidays – family related or otherwise? Just because it’s December doesn’t mean everyone is suddenly cheerful, loving and forgiving. It makes sense that we’d run into some buried-away sadness as we try our darndest to be jolly.
No worries. Complexity can be a good thing. (Think wine!) If happy feelings and not-so-happy feelings are all mixed up this week, that’s to be expected. A good way to deal with it is to practice gratitude. Notice I said “practice.” It doesn’t always come easy:
Start with the simple ones, whatever they are for you:
I’m grateful for my husband. I’m grateful for my health.
Move on to those that take extra effort.
Even though I miss my grandma like crazy around Christmas, I’m grateful for everything she taught me while she was alive. I’m grateful for her influence.
Then, spend some serious time practicing gratitude around things in your life that are downright painful.
I am grateful for difficult relationships because they teach me something about myself. Handling tough situations allows me to grow.
You get the idea. It’s a valuable exercise, and much more useful that letting our ears droop as we watch another Christmas go by that’s less-than-perfect. Instead, embrace the holidays for what they are – sweet and sour! Sounds delicious to me.
Here’s a great recipe that balances sweet and sour to its tasty advantage. Now, can you?
Sweet and Sour Cabbage and Bread Stew
3 to 4 cups torn pieces of whole wheat bread
2 large carrots, peeled and diced
2 large or 3 medium potatoes, diced (I used parsnips)
4 cups coarsely shredded green cabbage
…get the whole recipe here!
I help busy people find balance in their over-worked, over-stressed lives. Trust me, it's not an all-or-nothing situation! A few shifts in diet and lifestyle can rock your world like they did mine. (And if you're a health coach, I can help you do the same for your own clients.) Read on
